Wednesday, June 5, 2013

You just don't understand!

Many years ago (like 1982?) there was a channel called Nickelodeon that catered to kids. They had all the programming children enjoyed, including little random cartoons during commercial breaks or Pinwheel or who-knows-what. 
Well, one of these cartoons caught my little-boy's imagination and had such a profound effect that it transformed who I would become and everything I would love in music, art, life and love. 

And for 30 years I forgot about it. 

Until today. 

Today I was listening to my newest online radio discovery, ( and heard a violin lick that lead to an out-chorus that stopped me dead. 
"I...know this..? I'm picturing a singing frog..?"

Sunday, April 7, 2013

Exciting New Toy...

From the creators of Baby Alive comes the new Baby Alarm!
Every morning at exactly 6:45 you will be awakened by a subtle "ahhn, ahhn, ahhn" that will gradually crescendo into a full "WHAAAA WHAAA WHAAA!"
A built in Snooze can sometimes be activated with the use of the included "Nük" pacifier. Sometimes.
The Sleep mode is available through the application of an advanced diaper/bottle/Nük combination. (Sold separately) (Note: Sleep mode may last from 15 minutes to 2 hours. Results may vary)
Once activated, Baby Alarm will keep you alert and on your toes all day until night time when Extended Sleep can be used for up to 3 hours of uninterrupted sleep!
For added fun, why not purchase a second Baby Alarm for years of excitement and sleep deprivation!
Get your Baby Alarm today!

Saturday, February 23, 2013

Gooble Gobble One Of Us!

So my wife has a lot of free computer time at her job.* Unlike me, she gets to sit at a desk and do work when it comes her way. I stand at a desk and scan heavy boxes all day.
She's gotten into a bunch of mommy/daddy blogs lately, and, like ya do, she's decided "I can do that!"
A few friends of ours have Tumblr blogs, which amazes me, because I always thought Tumblr was just for teen girls to share nude "selfies" and the reposting of porno .gifs.
So the whole family gathered around her laptop as my wife set about starting her Tumblr blog. She signed up, clicked on the requisite "Things I Like" links and was taken to her shiny new blog.
The page was full of car ads and .gifs of cars.
"How do I get rid of this?" she wailed.
"I don't know. Click a thing," was my helpful reply.
So she did.
And the screen was full of graphic close up animated penetration .gifs.
"Make it stop! Make it stop! What's happening?!? Ahhhh!!!"
I covered the 6-month-old's eyes.
My wife slammed her laptop shut.
"Let's see that again!" Chimed in my 3 year old.
"No, that's not for little kids."
"It's just for grown-ups?"
"It's not even for grown-ups."

So it turns out I was right. Tumblr is for porn.

Keep an eye out for my wife's upcoming blog here on Blogger.

*note: my wife's workplace goofing is embellished for comedic content. Please don't take me seriously.

Monday, February 18, 2013

One... Two... One...

*tap tap tap*

This thing on?

Test test

Johnny's in the basement mixin up the medicine,
I'm on the pavement, thinkin bout the government
Look out kid, it's somethin ya did...



Wednesday, July 18, 2012

I been framed, yer honor!

About 30 years ago, in the dead of winter, I was a very sick little boy. I had a horrible wasting disease. I could do nothing but lay on the couch and watch TV with a pillow under my head as the worst blizzard in years raged outside.
It was a nasty cold.
Somehow, though the snow was piling against the house, a small squad of ants made their way inside and into our living room. They picked up a discarded purple crayon and, in a great show of teamwork, carried it up the couch, past my face, and proceeded to color on my pillow case. I tried to stop them or at least to cry out an alarm, but in my weakened condition I just couldn't manage.
Then, quick as they came, the ants dropped the crayon and skedaddled back into the bleak winter night.
When my father asked who had colored on my pillow I tried to explain what had happened. He didn't believe me and wrote it down in my Baby Book as "My 1st Lie."
This accusation so shattered my self esteem it sent me on a lifetime spiral of lying, cheating and petty theft.*

*    *    *    *    *

Yesterday morning I was at the computer, doing my daily job searching, and my daughter was in the kitchen rustling around.  She came quickly back out to the living room and plopped down to watch Elmo or Super Why! or whatever.
A little later I went back to the coffee maker to refill my mug and noticed that a cup of melted ice and tea remnants had been spilled across the kitchen table. 
I confronted my daughter, "What happened?"
"Did you knock over the tea?"
"No? Who did then?"
"....a dog."
"A dog?" She nods. "You're saying a dog came into our house, jumped on the kitchen table, knocked over the tea and then ran back out?"
"...a small dog."

Needless to say, though we don't have a baby book, I'm sharing this story with the entire internet. I've shattered her self esteem and am sending her on a spiral of shame and degradation... 
...or I showed her that I'm not buying her crap anymore than my dad bought mine. 

*ok, not really, but it sounds more fun that way. I'm a good boy, honest!

Monday, July 2, 2012

I'm the baby, gotta love me!

I've seen it happen on TV and heard about it through other parents, but I'd hoped it wouldn't happen to us. It has.

When you have a kid who's just out of toddlerhood (like ours) and are expecting another one soon, sometimes your kid can have some infantile regression issues. They wanna be the baby just that much longer.

They've spent 3 years growing and learning and being proud of the things they can do for themselves and suddenly they just want to whine and suck a nük and all that. She's dry all night and then she's willfully peeing in her Pull-Ups when she gets up.
She is finally big enough to help put things away in the fridge, but she refuses to feed herself.
It's a magical time. (barf)

Well, a couple months ago a well meaning friend of ours (who's a mommy blogger and is inundated with free stuff) gave us a fancy-pants bottle for the new baby. It bounced around the back seat of my wife's car for a while until our daughter found it.

For a while she used it to feed her baby doll, until the regression kicked in about a week ago. Suddenly she's sucking on it and pretending to be the baby again.

It stayed in the car until yesterday when I brought it into the house fully intending to throw it out. Somehow our daughter convinced us to even put water in it so she could drink from it. (Sometimes you 're so blinded by whining and pestering you do dumb things. You gotta pick your battles.) She proceeded to pop the nipple off and spill the water all over her floor. Lesson learned.

When she went to bed last night I put the bottle on the top of my desk, again, intending to throw it out.

I forgot.

This morning, soon as she got up, she was asking for it. When she saw it on the desk the whining amped up even higher. This was getting to be a problem. She'd run around with it hanging from her mouth like a dog with a raggedy chew toy.  How the hell was I going to get rid of this thing without traumatizing her even more?

So, this afternoon, I'm sitting at my desk and hear her at her potty. Knowing the signs point to "poopy" I intercept her (bottle in mouth) and redirect her into the bathroom to perform the proper "post-potty cleanup."  She dances ahead of me, shaking the bottle in her teeth like a proud lioness with a gazelle... the nipple slips...


...the bottle drops right into the toilet.

"Whelp, there that goes," I said, pulling it out of the bowl.

"But you got it out!"

"Nope. Into the trash."

"It'll dry off."

"Yes, and then it will have dried potty water on it. Into the trash."

"Oh. Ok." And she scampered off totally over it.

I pat myself on the back for solving that problem so easily. Parenting is easy.

Thursday, June 28, 2012

Is overreacting covered by my HMO?

Imma try not to get heated here, let's see how I do...

I held my previous job for 5 years. The last 3 of those 5 years I was miserable. My hours got cut to the minimum. Raises were frozen company wide. Health insurance went up every year and the plans got worse and worse.

I made less than I could've made working at McDonalds full time because of these things, but I stayed. Why? Because I had healthcare coverage for me and my daughter. My wife's healthcare is so wildly expensive that if we were on hers she'd make half her paycheck each week.

Flash back to March. I get laid off. COBRA (Continued health insurance) is more than I make on unemployment, making my income negative dollars. Because of my wife's job and insurance we're having a very hard time getting my daughter on Medicaid until I find a new job. So we're both uninsured right now. We just can't get sick or injured. We're not allowed. My wife can't leave her job in a terribly hostile work environment until after our new baby is born ini August because of the healthcare.

You can throw around words like Socialism and Communism or just say reactive bullshit like "Fuck America" or "I gotta go somewhere else!" all you want. (Try Canada.. oh wait, they have socialized healthcare too. Ok, Mexico... oh wait, you'll get a staph infection if you go to a Mexican hospital for a paper cut...)  But I think this is a great plan and only wish it'd go into effect faster so I can worry about one less thing at night.

I have enough on my plate.